Every One Of Me Read online

  Every One Of Me

  By: Jessica Wilde

  Other Titles by Jessica Wilde

  Our Time

  Coming Soon

  Leverage (The Brannock Siblings, #1)

  Conned (The Brannock Siblings, #2)

  Copyright © 2013 Jessica Wilde

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce, distribute, or transmit in any form or by any means without written consent from the author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Cover Image by iStockPhoto.com

  Cover Design by Jessica Wilde

  ASIN: B00GG6AO5I

  ISBN-13: 978-1493758302

  ISBN-10: 1493758306

  To my husband, for his love and support and for distracting our baby girl long enough for Mommy to 'get some writing done'.

  To my beautiful baby girl. One day - in the far, far away future - I hope you find true love.

  No regrets.

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Epilogue

  Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID):

  Also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is an extremely rare mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states (also known as 'alters') that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

  Co-consciousness:

  The ability to communicate with other personalities (alters) in 'real time', to hear what they think/feel about things, and sometimes to see what they are doing when they have executive control.

  Prologue

  This had to be a dream. It didn't feel real and there was no way I could possibly be in a situation like this. This just… wasn't real.

  "Hold her down! Careful with her head! Where's that Diazepam?"

  I felt firm hands on my arms, legs, shoulders, and stomach and when I opened my eyes, there were several people around me that I didn't know and each one of them looked nervous. When I realized they were trying to hold me down, I relaxed my muscles and heard them all take a breath.

  "W-What's going on?" my voice was hoarse and the words were painful coming out. I looked around the room for some kind of explanation and all I saw were a few plaques on the wall behind me and a chair that had been tipped over before someone grabbed my head.

  "Ms. Marshall?"

  A man was standing above me with a syringe held tightly in his hand. I nodded and my eyes darted between the needle and his face. I needed to wake up. This couldn't be good. I felt so… detached. Like I was watching all of this happen from far away, but I wasn't.

  "My God, I've never seen a switch that… that fast."

  "What switch?" I tried to tug my limbs away from the stressed out nurses on top of me, but none of them budged. "What the hell is going on? Why am I being held down?" I felt my heart pound against my chest like a hammer when I realized I couldn't remember. My stomach twisted violently and I snapped my mouth shut and closed my eyes, willing myself not to vomit.

  "Ms. Marshall, we were talking and you shut down. When I asked you what was wrong, you became belligerent and tried to attack me."

  The doctor didn't seem too freaked out by what he was telling me. In fact, he seemed to be a little more excited than I thought was appropriate, but his voice was calm and matter of fact. His expression told me everything.

  "Did I… was anybody… please tell me I didn't hurt anyone." I started to panic and my gasps for air were hindered by the guy with his arm across my ribs.

  "You can release her, now."

  They all pulled away and it felt like a house was just lifted off of me. I sat up, but didn't make an effort to stand or move away. I was too freaked out and my body felt drained.

  "I'm assuming you have no recollection of anything that has happened over the last 10 minutes. Do you remember coming into my office for your session?" He was crouched down beside me and had capped the syringe. I knew it wouldn't stayed capped for very long. There was no other option if I was unpredictable.

  "I remember talking to you, yes. I feel like it happened, but I'm not… I don't think I…" I couldn't even finish my thoughts. I felt fragmented, torn apart. I hated that feeling.

  "Would you prefer to sleep this off and regroup later?"

  I knew what he meant. I hadn't been working with him for very long, but from the very beginning, I knew I had to trust him. I didn't take too long to think it through. "I think it would be best to sleep this off, Dr. Deacon. Oblivion sounds nice right about now." I wiped under my eyes, but the tears I thought were there must have held back. How long had it been since I cried last? Oh yeah, that's right. When I left.

  He smiled at me and nodded in agreement. I felt the prick of the needle, then… sweet nothing.

  Chapter 1

  Tessa

  "So, what now?" Benny asked as she tapped her pen on the back of her chair.

  "No idea," I replied. I stuffed the last of my clothes into my crappy suitcase and shrugged. "I guess I'll just take it a day at a time. Keep busy with Mom. Maybe… get a job."

  She scoffed and quirked an eyebrow. "Really? A job? You better just stay here then because I don't think the world is ready for you, T."

  I tried to smother the laugh that ascended up my throat, but it was no use. Benny knew how to make me laugh in the most brutal way. She may be right, but I was too determined to try and integrate my life among the living. I looked over and saw her tapping the side of her nose, something she did when she was planning on bringing up an uncomfortable topic.

  I spoke up before she could. "I think the world has had plenty of time to prepare for me, Benny. Plus, the nurses are starting to make me nervous and Dr. Deacon told me the psychiatrist back home was the best for me." She grunted indifferently and started tapping her pen again. "I think he's just scared that I might make one of his precious nurses break a nail," I added.

  She laughed loudly and nodded in agreement, her curly blonde hair bouncing off her cheeks. She had the brightest blue eyes that saw things others could only dream of. I was going to miss her terribly.

  Bennett June Randolph and I had been roommates for the past 9 months in 'The Facility', or behavioral health center if you want to get technical. To us, it was easier to think of it as just 'The Facility'. Better for our minds I guess. She had been in the system for a year before I met her and was being treated for her manic bipolar tendencies. She blamed her disorder on her parents giving her B.J. as her initials. Apparently she got a lot of shit for it in school and ended up getting in a lot of fights, and not just the yelling kind of fights. Actual physical, rip-out-your-hair-and-tear-your-face-to-shreds kind of fights. After a lot of therapy, she realized that her initials had nothing to do with it. It was just a means of figuring it out. Although, she will still put the blame on her parents
anyway, just to make herself feel better.

  Honestly, Benny scared the shit out of me when she went dark. Her few and far between episodes were like watching a nuclear explosion happen right in front of your eyes followed by every war movie ever made all rolled into one huge feature. Intense.

  I'll never forget the day I met Benny, although I won't ever truly remember the circumstances. All I can remember is waking up strapped to my bed with her staring down at me and telling me I was 'one tough cookie'. When she realized I didn't remember anything, she replayed everything for me. Actually replayed it, as in she took me to the session offices and acted out every part I played in the whole incident.

  "Craziest fucking thing I have ever seen," she shouted. "You were like a tiny, white Incredible Hulk only you weren't really fighting or anything. You were seriously tearing those girls down with words. Words! Those nurses didn't have a chance," she had said animatedly and threw her hands above her head triumphantly.

  When I first arrived at this cold as death clinic, I was under the impression that I had some type of selective amnesia. I only recently found out it was much more than just memory loss and mood swings that only those around me at the time witnessed. I wasn't insane and I wasn't delusional. I just had a problem shaking off a few extra companions that decided to show up at unwanted times. Not that there were any wanted times anyway. Benny was the one to help the docs figure out what was really going on because she was the one that, at some point, got to have a conversation with… everyone else.

  Let me get us out of this desolate building and everything will come together soon.

  Benny was my only friend. She had been by my side for 9 months and I'll never be able to make it up to her. I planned on trying, but I had a few things to take care of first.

  I zipped up my suitcase and looked around the room to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. There wasn't much in the desolate space. It was the opposite of a college dorm room, as it should be. This wasn't college life, this was simply the consequences. My life had been anything but simple before I ended up in The Facility. It sounds kind of creepy, but that was the only name any of us liked to call it as I said before. Makes it sound like some kind of secret organization who experiments with people making them superhuman or something. It's easier that way. I had come to enjoy the simple life I had here and was almost regretting my decision to leave, but Mom needed my help and I needed a doctor who could help sort me out. That doctor happened to live in my hometown of Denver Colorado where my brother was currently engaged to a woman that my mother just couldn't handle anymore and needed someone to work interference. This wasn't really the main reason I was going back. I missed my family and I had wronged them by taking off 5 years ago.

  "So…" Benny sang and continued to tap tap tap her pen. "You think you are going to see him?"

  "Who?"

  "Oh, don't play dumb with me, T. You know who."

  I looked down at the bed and studied the few possessions I had, trying to avoid eye contact. "Hope not."

  "Ha!" she exclaimed and shook her head. "Sure."

  A month after we became roommates, I had made the mistake of telling her the biggest reason I left and she never let me forget it. She thought it was stupid of me to just try and forget about my best friend, thinking it would make his life easier. The fact that I still loved him didn't convince her to be nice about it either. Charlie was still very much a part of my life whether I liked it or not.

  "Tessa? You all packed up, dear?" We both turned to our open door and saw Judy, the discharge coordinator standing in her ridiculous bunny and carrot scrubs. She always looked so colorful and even though it was normally against the rules to wear anything but solid colors, the bosses made an exception for her. She always argued that what she wore made the first impression on anyone who walked in the front doors and the people who usually walked in the front doors were the ones in need of some color. Really, she was the administrators wife so no one dared to enforce the rules with her. Plus, she was probably the sweetest lady you would ever get lucky enough to meet. Standing at a solid 5 feet with streaks of gray shooting across her jet black hair and eyes as blue as the sky, she was a force of nature that no one wanted to change.

  "Yeah, Judy. I'm ready," I mumbled and dragged my suitcase off the bed with one hand while cradling the shoebox full of the last year in the other.

  "Great! I'll meet you up front. Don't keep her too long Benny. Her mother just finished up the paperwork and is anxious to see her." Her crooked finger was aimed at Benny who had the nerve to look incredulous.

  "Of course, Judy. I wouldn't dream of doing anything other than protocol."

  I snorted just as loud as Judy did and watched her walk away faster than she should be capable of.

  "Well, T. I wish you the best, but honestly, I give you a month before you come back. You'll miss me too much," she smirked.

  I wanted to laugh at the attempt she made to avoid an emotional goodbye, but I couldn't. I had a lump in my throat that was setting up camp for the last 10 minutes and I couldn't seem to swallow it down. She was right. I was going to miss her desperately and I had no idea how I was going to get my life in order without her there to help me. I used to have control, or at least I thought I did. After what I had been through the last year, control was all but forgotten.

  She must have noticed the moisture in my eyes because she hopped up from her chair and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Let the girls know I'll miss them, too. But not as much as you, Tessa. I love you, babe."

  "I love you, too. Be good," I said and released my suitcase to wrap my arm around her.

  "Yeah," she scoffed, "I'll do that."

  When she pulled away, her eyes were as wet as mine, but she refused to let the tears fall. She tried to avoid getting emotional as much as I used to. She was just better at it. "I'll visit soon. I'm mad I won't be there to see Charlie's face."

  I rolled my eyes, "I'm sure he doesn't even live there anymore. He was always desperate to get out of town. Why would he stay?"

  She grabbed my suitcase and started to wheel it out the door. "For you," she said with an innocent smile.

  My heart stopped for a few seconds at the thought, but when it started back up, I pushed the image away. Even if he did, I couldn't invade his life. Not with all the baggage I had with me.

  ***

  My mother, Sarah Marshall, was probably just as sweet as Judy was, if not more. She had a way of becoming your most cherished friend with just a smile. She was waiting patiently at reception, bright sun dress covered in tiny flowers, her brown hair pinned up just the way I always remembered, and her brown eyes glistening with tears of an emotional reunion. Benny had a harder time saying goodbye to her than she had with me and for a minute, I was pretty jealous. I couldn't blame her though. I loved my mother and I knew she loved me, which made the apology I was about to attempt that much harder.

  We were in the back seat of the cab on our way to the airport when I grabbed her hand and started to speak only to stop when she cupped my cheek and smiled.

  "Don't be sorry for anything, Tess. You did what you had to do. I love you and I'm proud of you." Then she kissed me on the cheek and laid her head on my shoulder. "Save it for someone else, though," she muttered under her breath, but I pretended not to hear her.

  I wasn't ready to make that apology and I knew I never would be. It would involve being face to face with the one person I couldn't be with and the only person I had ever truly wanted to be with. I was a mess, though, so I accepted the truth a long time ago. Didn't make it any easier, but I had never really dealt with easy so… I would be fine.

  We arrived at the airport with no less tension between us. Mom hated flying, but she refused to let me travel home alone. After boarding the plane and settling in, she gave in to telling me the real reason she came to get me on the other side of the country. I couldn't help but feel a little relieved that she hadn't changed a bit.

  "She's horrible, Tess. A r
eal live-" she paused to look around and lowered her voice, "bitch. She is the spawn of everything evil in this world, but I can't say that to Trevor. It will only push him away and I would rather keep an eye on how things are going. I think she may be drugging him or something. Or she brainwashed him. I just don't see a nice man like Trevor marrying that… thing," she said and shivered in disgust.

  My brother had recently gotten engaged to a girl that my mother didn't approve of, as you can tell. Well, I don't think anyone would approve of her because she was just awful. She was a senior when I was a sophomore and I saw firsthand the horrible things she had done. I couldn't imagine she had changed at all. But she was gorgeous and my brother was shallow. Always had been. I told Mom I was probably not the best one to be screening her requests, but after talking to her over the phone a few times, I knew Mom wouldn't be able to keep her cool much longer and I couldn't let her lose Trevor.

  "I think you coming home will be the best thing for him. He'll get some time away from Ellie and maybe see that he would be happier without her. She is always bickering at him and telling him he is an idiot and that his friends are worthless," she sneered.

  "Seriously? I wouldn't think Trevor would put up with that," I replied.

  "Yeah, well, she makes a point to show off her breasts when she is talking, so I don't think he really even hears a word she says." She took a sip of her water and patted my leg, reassuring me not to worry too much and that I am who she needs right now.

  The flight seemed to take forever and not just because I found it impossible to sleep, but because the one thing I was sure my mother would bring up, she doesn't. Where Charlie is and what he is doing. I am gratefully disappointed. It would be nice to know where he is at... so I can attempt to avoid him at all costs, of course. Not a word. She doesn't say a word about him except for that subtle hint in the cab on the way to the airport. For some reason, I feel like her not saying anything is saying everything.